A Calm, Happy Day (Mother's Day)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

As Mother's Day approached, I was unsure how I might feel. I was a little nervous, even though ultimately I knew I'd be OK. Since the writer's conference, I've been feeling very calm and happy for the most part. There have still been a few tears here and there, especially at the Walk of Remembrance or other times. But I've found my tears changing. They are not accompanied by the heart-wrenching sobs. I do not curl up on the floor and unbearably hurt. Instead, the tears fall... reminding me that I am sad. But the guilt is gone. I know Dan feels the same way. I haven't heard his wailing tears for a while - the ones that are so piercing and painful to listen to. He still carries around some of the sadness, some days more than others. I can see it in his face. . . Sometimes we just miss our son. That's not going to change. And that's OK. 

 

Dan was in Nevada helping his brother move scrap steel, so unfortunately, he was not able to be with me on Mother's Day. But he left a card and a couple gifts for me. One was a digital frame, which now sits in the living room cycling through the best pictures of Ty. I love it. The second gift was an ice-cream maker. I might need to bring this with me to Vegas!

Sunday morning, I was awakened by a knock on the door. I squinted blindly, hearing Thomas say something about coming in for a second (The Shipleys were visiting for Adelyn's baby blessing). I mumbled consent, noticed the darkness outside my window and prepared to fall back asleep, when the lights flipped on. Then I heard Thomas and his kids singing, "Happy Mother's Day to you.." When they first started the song, I was so confused in my tired-state that I wondered, "Is it my birthday?" Then I noticed the beautiful gourmet breakfast presented on a tray. I sat up in bed, mostly awake and in awe of the colorful meal before me. The plate was filled with cheesy, scrambled eggs that were sprinkled with bell peppers; a blueberry muffin; thick, peppered bacon; English muffin with butter and honey; an assortment of fruit; two slices of avocado, and a tall glass of orange juice. For presentation points, the tray was decorated with flower petals, borrowed from the giant vase of flowers on the dresser! Just when I thought my morning was perfect, my mom and Pawnee were ushered into my room to snuggle up next to me while enjoying their very own gourmet breakfast trays. It was so special. I'm very grateful to Thomas and my nieces and nephew, ALL of whom woke up at 5:45am to offer us breakfast in bed at 6:30 in the morning.

 

 

So, Mother's Day was off to a great start. After a delicious brunch and finally watching Avatar, I headed home with my mom and dad to Provo. I was looking forward to spending some time at the cemetery. I packed up my laptop for music and some readings I've been given regarding babies who pass away. When I arrived, I was pleasantly surprised to see my friend, Jamie, sitting in the Angel Garden. She had brought Ty the carnation she received at church. We chatted for a little while before she was needed at home. Then I sat for another hour, enjoying seeing all the people visiting loved ones, while comforting music played beside me.

 

Back at home, I was visited by our good friends, Elias and Kelley, both of whom have also played key roles in supporting us through these past couple months. They are amazing people who always seem to follow the inspiration they receive to help others, like ourselves. Plus, Kelley is a superb chef and left a full tray of cheesecake bites! Mmm... Doug Fidler, Jen's brother-in-law, also stopped by for a visit, which I thought was so kind. And with a few phone-calls, my entire day and evening was non-stop goodness.

I do miss Ty. My heart is so full of love and gratitude when I think of him, and thank him for having the greatest impact on my life. I am so happy to be his mother forever. And I can't wait to meet his little siblings, who I'm sure are receiving some pep-talks from their older brother - an older brother whom I know will promise to visit his brothers and sisters so they will know Ty in their earthly life. Dan and I are anxious to meet them.

 

Thank you to my own mother for teaching me how to love. For teaching me about sacrifice. And for teaching me the foundations of a testimony, for which I would not be able to survive without.