Saturday, October 8, 2011
4 months, 21 days.
Today Aiyana is one day older than baby Ty. I was awakend yesterday morning by Aiyana cooing as she always does at 7am. I picked her up and layed in bed with her, playing with her and thinking about the last time I checked on Ty. It was four in the morning and he was snoozing in his crib. I rested a hand on his little back to be sure he was breathing, and of course he was. Despite frequent nervous thoughts, I never truly expected to find my baby otherwise.
The next time I held him a few hours later, nothing would ever be the same.
It's been 19 months since Ty passed away. I've been anticipating this day since before Aiyana's birth, wondering how I would feel at this juncture in our lives. I wondered if I would be more terrified or more sad. But since Aiyana was born, as much as I have loved every stage of her life, I couldn't wait for her grow older, stronger...more likely to survive.
Ty would have been almost two years old right now. I've had to use my imagination to see him grow in my mind, watching my nieces Kylana and Adelyn for help. Dan and I are both really excited to experience it for ourselves. Sometimes I can hardly wait for Aiyana to grow up, even if having a toddler is chaotic.
And now that day is here. Every day is a new day. Something new.
But I've found myself dragging my feet a little bit, now fearful for what I might lose. As I cradled Aiyana the other day in preparation for her nap, I put her head against mine and cried. This was it. The physical reminders of Ty would be coming to an end. Since Aiyana was born, Dan and I have said, "I remember when Ty..." and it was followed by size or weight, smiles or laughter, rolling, eating... I could hold her and feel Ty in my arms while we nursed or played. At 4 1/2 months, they are about the same size, though Aiyana is a bit longer and just a bit heavier.
Holding Aiyana before her nap, I felt like I was losing Ty all over again.
I've always worried about my memory. It's never been very good for long-term purposes. Things I learned in school for exams I could never recall anymore. Experiences from my childhood or even dating Dan...there are so many times when I pinch my eyebrows together and wonder, "When did that happen?" And only then does a fuzzy image sometimes come to my mind.
Of course I'm not going to forget Ty. But the little experiences, every little feeling, that newness of him as my first... it's slipping. I'm grateful to have all the pictures and videos to help me remember all the firsts of having a child. I just wish I could retain everything forever.
Dan and I have talked about feeling guilty that our love for Aiyana might surpass that of Ty. I feel a hesitancy, like a barricade of loyalty for Ty. But at some point, we're going to know Aiyana better because she's physically been in our lives longer. I think it's natural for that love to keep growing. And in a way, Dan and I will always love Ty "longer". That love doesn't stop at death. It's just a different kind of love, I suppose.
We have two children. We always tell people that, even if the question of how many kids we have is in simple passing of curious strangers at Wal-Mart, or the person cutting our hair at the salon. People would feel less uncomfortable if we stopped doing that. But we can't bring ourselves to discount Ty, even for simplicity sake. That may not be right for everyone in our situation, but that's what we have chosen to do. I like talking about Ty -- I love saying I have a boy and a girl. Because I do.
And now, because it's the last time I can do this with Ty and Aiyana, here is their 4 1/2 month comparison:
We've all
seen Ty's cute pictures where he's cuddling his teddy-blankie:
Today Aiyana is one day older than baby Ty. I was awakend yesterday morning by Aiyana cooing as she always does at 7am. I picked her up and layed in bed with her, playing with her and thinking about the last time I checked on Ty. It was four in the morning and he was snoozing in his crib. I rested a hand on his little back to be sure he was breathing, and of course he was. Despite frequent nervous thoughts, I never truly expected to find my baby otherwise.
The next time I held him a few hours later, nothing would ever be the same.
It's been 19 months since Ty passed away. I've been anticipating this day since before Aiyana's birth, wondering how I would feel at this juncture in our lives. I wondered if I would be more terrified or more sad. But since Aiyana was born, as much as I have loved every stage of her life, I couldn't wait for her grow older, stronger...more likely to survive.
Ty would have been almost two years old right now. I've had to use my imagination to see him grow in my mind, watching my nieces Kylana and Adelyn for help. Dan and I are both really excited to experience it for ourselves. Sometimes I can hardly wait for Aiyana to grow up, even if having a toddler is chaotic.
And now that day is here. Every day is a new day. Something new.
But I've found myself dragging my feet a little bit, now fearful for what I might lose. As I cradled Aiyana the other day in preparation for her nap, I put her head against mine and cried. This was it. The physical reminders of Ty would be coming to an end. Since Aiyana was born, Dan and I have said, "I remember when Ty..." and it was followed by size or weight, smiles or laughter, rolling, eating... I could hold her and feel Ty in my arms while we nursed or played. At 4 1/2 months, they are about the same size, though Aiyana is a bit longer and just a bit heavier.
Holding Aiyana before her nap, I felt like I was losing Ty all over again.
I've always worried about my memory. It's never been very good for long-term purposes. Things I learned in school for exams I could never recall anymore. Experiences from my childhood or even dating Dan...there are so many times when I pinch my eyebrows together and wonder, "When did that happen?" And only then does a fuzzy image sometimes come to my mind.
Of course I'm not going to forget Ty. But the little experiences, every little feeling, that newness of him as my first... it's slipping. I'm grateful to have all the pictures and videos to help me remember all the firsts of having a child. I just wish I could retain everything forever.
Dan and I have talked about feeling guilty that our love for Aiyana might surpass that of Ty. I feel a hesitancy, like a barricade of loyalty for Ty. But at some point, we're going to know Aiyana better because she's physically been in our lives longer. I think it's natural for that love to keep growing. And in a way, Dan and I will always love Ty "longer". That love doesn't stop at death. It's just a different kind of love, I suppose.
We have two children. We always tell people that, even if the question of how many kids we have is in simple passing of curious strangers at Wal-Mart, or the person cutting our hair at the salon. People would feel less uncomfortable if we stopped doing that. But we can't bring ourselves to discount Ty, even for simplicity sake. That may not be right for everyone in our situation, but that's what we have chosen to do. I like talking about Ty -- I love saying I have a boy and a girl. Because I do.
And now, because it's the last time I can do this with Ty and Aiyana, here is their 4 1/2 month comparison:
The last picture I have of Ty, taken two days
before he passed away.
Aiyana at the same age.
(just under 4
months old)
He's my sweet,
mellow boy.
And then there's
Aiyana:
I feel like this
picture sums it up. She is much more feisty!
Sure, Ty had his
screaming fits once in a while. But Aiyana definitely has more of a temper. She
also is such a talker. She talks and coos all the time and is so loud! Now even
when I lay her down for a nap, I'll go in the next room and hear her making baby
noises, experimenting with the sounds she can make for minutes. And then
suddenly, the sound cuts off. When I peek in on her, she's is completely asleep!
Ty was so quiet that it's such a difference experience with Aiyana. Dan and I
were laughing about how Ty seems to have more of my personality, and Aiyana has
Dans.
OH my goodness i LOVE these pictures. I didn't realize how much they look alike! I think its their smiles. They look like the same mold, just one dipped in "Erica" and one dipped in "Dan". :) Love it.
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