Thursday, October 20, 2011
Happy 2nd Birthday, Baby
Two years ago was the start to so many "firsts",
including the birth of my first child, our first son.
Ty, we thought so much about you today. So did a lot of people. You are loved and remembered!
I had a good cry on the way home from dropping Dan off to work, listening to Josh Groban as I will every year on his birthday. It reminds me so much of him, and of the pain of missing him, as well -- and intense emotions from the first year without him -- but it didn't hurt nearly as bad as last year. In fact, I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with a trip to Wal-mart and then a nice visit from Carrie, Lila, and Cal. Later, I picked Dan up from work early and we ate dinner together as a family at TGIF, simply because we had a coupon. "Buy one entree, get 2nd entree free!" Not to be cheap, but I think Ty would appreciate our awareness to save where we can. = )
Returning home, Kroc and Megan walked with us to the park by their house. It was dark outside but the park was well-lit. Holding a dozen balloons, we took a sharpie and wrote message on them. I loved how Dan wrote quotes from our memories with him, so I followed his lead:
"Ribbit-ribbit-ribbit!"
"It's coming...It's coming..."
"Monsieur Le Bubs!"
"I love you, Bubs"
"Remember When it Rained..."
"Love you forever, Angel..."
It was special and fun to do again this year. I wasn't sure if we'd do it every year but I think we will. It's a simple act, but a meaningful way to remember Ty. Down the road when we have kids old enough to really understand, it will be even more fun to keep up the tradition.
In Relief Society last Sunday, the lesson was on the Plan of Salvation. The teacher asked, "If you could talk to someone who has passed on, what would you say to them and what would you like to know?" It really made me think... If I could only say one thing, I don't think it would have to be "I love you" because Ty already knows that more than anything, I'm sure. Probably I'd like to establish some kind of signal when he's visiting me so I can know he's there! I'd also like to ask him the specifics of what he does every day and what the Spirit World looks like.
You know how it helps to know what someone's house looks like so you can envision them living in it, like your siblings or parents? That's why I'd like those details, so I can picture Ty better when I'm often wondering what he's doing at that very moment. Would a simple schedule and environmental description be too much to ask?
As we talked about the Spirit World, my heart starting pounding so heavily in my chest like it does when you know you need to bear your testimony. But it was a little different because I didn't feel like I needed to say anything -- I just could feel the Spirit so strongly testifying to me what I hold so closely to my heart: That the Spirit World is real and not far from us.
I'm really doing well these days, even to the point where I question myself. I had a conversation with my sister, Jen, and said, "What's wrong with me? Sometimes I feel like I don't get sad enough, and even though I know it's not true, it makes me feel like I don't love him enough or something."
Jen said, "Maybe you shouldn't be asking what's wrong with you, but what's right with you." Then we talked about how having such a firm testimony of this gospel has the ability to comfort in ways that nothing else can.
At dinner, Dan also pointed out that I choose not to be sad for very long because I don't like feeling unhappy. He said I do that all the time, even when we argue. Once he apologizes, I'm over the fight and just want to enjoy our evening or our weekend without bad feelings. So I guess it's just part of my personality, too, which can be a bad thing if I never acknowledged my feelings. But I do. I think I'm keeping a healthy balance.
I hope one day Aiyana can tell us when Ty visits her. I love hearing those stories when siblings who have passed on are detected by the younger ones who are old enough to talk, but still young and innocent enough to be aware. Hopefully, one day we'll get to hear from our boy.
Ty, we thought so much about you today. So did a lot of people. You are loved and remembered!
I had a good cry on the way home from dropping Dan off to work, listening to Josh Groban as I will every year on his birthday. It reminds me so much of him, and of the pain of missing him, as well -- and intense emotions from the first year without him -- but it didn't hurt nearly as bad as last year. In fact, I was able to enjoy the rest of my day with a trip to Wal-mart and then a nice visit from Carrie, Lila, and Cal. Later, I picked Dan up from work early and we ate dinner together as a family at TGIF, simply because we had a coupon. "Buy one entree, get 2nd entree free!" Not to be cheap, but I think Ty would appreciate our awareness to save where we can. = )
Returning home, Kroc and Megan walked with us to the park by their house. It was dark outside but the park was well-lit. Holding a dozen balloons, we took a sharpie and wrote message on them. I loved how Dan wrote quotes from our memories with him, so I followed his lead:
"Ribbit-ribbit-ribbit!"
"It's coming...It's coming..."
"Monsieur Le Bubs!"
"I love you, Bubs"
"Remember When it Rained..."
"Love you forever, Angel..."
I bought two special balloons this year instead
of one to signify his 2nd birthday.
Aiyana, letting go of her balloons...
"Love you, big brother!"
Letting go of the balloons! They flew away so
fast and were hard to see in the dark. But if we shielded our eyes, we could see
them way up high before they blended in with the stars.
It was special and fun to do again this year. I wasn't sure if we'd do it every year but I think we will. It's a simple act, but a meaningful way to remember Ty. Down the road when we have kids old enough to really understand, it will be even more fun to keep up the tradition.
In Relief Society last Sunday, the lesson was on the Plan of Salvation. The teacher asked, "If you could talk to someone who has passed on, what would you say to them and what would you like to know?" It really made me think... If I could only say one thing, I don't think it would have to be "I love you" because Ty already knows that more than anything, I'm sure. Probably I'd like to establish some kind of signal when he's visiting me so I can know he's there! I'd also like to ask him the specifics of what he does every day and what the Spirit World looks like.
You know how it helps to know what someone's house looks like so you can envision them living in it, like your siblings or parents? That's why I'd like those details, so I can picture Ty better when I'm often wondering what he's doing at that very moment. Would a simple schedule and environmental description be too much to ask?
As we talked about the Spirit World, my heart starting pounding so heavily in my chest like it does when you know you need to bear your testimony. But it was a little different because I didn't feel like I needed to say anything -- I just could feel the Spirit so strongly testifying to me what I hold so closely to my heart: That the Spirit World is real and not far from us.
I'm really doing well these days, even to the point where I question myself. I had a conversation with my sister, Jen, and said, "What's wrong with me? Sometimes I feel like I don't get sad enough, and even though I know it's not true, it makes me feel like I don't love him enough or something."
Jen said, "Maybe you shouldn't be asking what's wrong with you, but what's right with you." Then we talked about how having such a firm testimony of this gospel has the ability to comfort in ways that nothing else can.
At dinner, Dan also pointed out that I choose not to be sad for very long because I don't like feeling unhappy. He said I do that all the time, even when we argue. Once he apologizes, I'm over the fight and just want to enjoy our evening or our weekend without bad feelings. So I guess it's just part of my personality, too, which can be a bad thing if I never acknowledged my feelings. But I do. I think I'm keeping a healthy balance.
I hope one day Aiyana can tell us when Ty visits her. I love hearing those stories when siblings who have passed on are detected by the younger ones who are old enough to talk, but still young and innocent enough to be aware. Hopefully, one day we'll get to hear from our boy.
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