Saturday, September 11, 2010
Thank you for the congratulations! I'm so happy to share
my news with all of you. I feel like all of you have been with me through this
whole ordeal of losing Ty, to the ups-and-downs of the grief-cycle, pregnancy
and therapy... I know it's not over. But I sure do feel accomplished! -- and so
grateful, so very grateful. I feel like this is a pivotal moment for Dan and I.
Our lives are about to change again, and I can't wait! Knowing I am barely weeks
along, I know I have a long ways to go until the baby comes. Pregnancy takes
forever! But it's a count-down at last. Dan voiced what I was thinking: Our
lives feel purposeful again, and nothing else seems to matter as
much!
Last week (before finding out I was pregnant) I met with a couple of my rugby teammates from years ago. Katie, Jill, and I met at Pei Weis, my absolute favorite chinese food! While scarfing the deliciousness and catching up on each other's lives, I finally accepted the blessing behind not being able to get pregnant right away: In order to help me process my grief to its full extent, Heavenly Father waited to grant the one wish I wanted more than anything -- the one desire that I hoped would heal me and bring me happiness; and when I felt I couldn't have it, I finally got angry. I finally went through one of the necessary steps in grieving that I was so sure would never happen to me.
In our therapy session, I was asked to look at why I felt so angry because anger is a "secondary emotion", usually triggered by a previous emotion such as hurt or fear. I didn't look at it during the session but I've been thinking about it: I felt angry at God when I wasn't pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant so I could be a mom. I wanted to be a mom so badly because I miss Ty. Ultimately, my anger was a symptom of my grief.
Breaking it down, it seems so obvious. The formula works. But in the moment it doesn't make sense, and denial pushes back pretty hard. Since my therapy sessions, I've been reflecting on all of this for a while, but I didn't fully understand the Lord's intent until I was at lunch with my friends. I'm sure I would have been truly happy getting pregnant months ago. But when I had to deal with my anger (instead of hiding my grief behind pregnancy happiness) I faced all these emotions head-on, which I might otherwise have carried with me into pregnancy or birth of a new baby. Katie added, "I was just about to say that. Maybe not getting pregnant is God's twisted way (at least, it seems twisted to us) to actually be merciful."
It seems that when I finally succombed to the Lord and His will, and stopped trying to emotionally and physical force my will to happen... everything now seems to be falling into its rightful place, at the right time. I am in awe of how everything has played out this past month. So now I am humbled with understanding and gratitude. God is merciful and knows so much more than we give Him credit for. I'm sure I still have much to learn.
Last week (before finding out I was pregnant) I met with a couple of my rugby teammates from years ago. Katie, Jill, and I met at Pei Weis, my absolute favorite chinese food! While scarfing the deliciousness and catching up on each other's lives, I finally accepted the blessing behind not being able to get pregnant right away: In order to help me process my grief to its full extent, Heavenly Father waited to grant the one wish I wanted more than anything -- the one desire that I hoped would heal me and bring me happiness; and when I felt I couldn't have it, I finally got angry. I finally went through one of the necessary steps in grieving that I was so sure would never happen to me.
In our therapy session, I was asked to look at why I felt so angry because anger is a "secondary emotion", usually triggered by a previous emotion such as hurt or fear. I didn't look at it during the session but I've been thinking about it: I felt angry at God when I wasn't pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant so I could be a mom. I wanted to be a mom so badly because I miss Ty. Ultimately, my anger was a symptom of my grief.
Breaking it down, it seems so obvious. The formula works. But in the moment it doesn't make sense, and denial pushes back pretty hard. Since my therapy sessions, I've been reflecting on all of this for a while, but I didn't fully understand the Lord's intent until I was at lunch with my friends. I'm sure I would have been truly happy getting pregnant months ago. But when I had to deal with my anger (instead of hiding my grief behind pregnancy happiness) I faced all these emotions head-on, which I might otherwise have carried with me into pregnancy or birth of a new baby. Katie added, "I was just about to say that. Maybe not getting pregnant is God's twisted way (at least, it seems twisted to us) to actually be merciful."
It seems that when I finally succombed to the Lord and His will, and stopped trying to emotionally and physical force my will to happen... everything now seems to be falling into its rightful place, at the right time. I am in awe of how everything has played out this past month. So now I am humbled with understanding and gratitude. God is merciful and knows so much more than we give Him credit for. I'm sure I still have much to learn.
No comments:
Post a Comment