Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Dear Bubs,
It's 3:35 in the morning and once again I find myself wide awake thinking of you. You're constantly on my mind, but even more so these past couple weeks. I've been laying here in bed thinking about all the things I'd love to say to you, and all the memories that have come rushing back today, the day of your birthday.
One year ago on the morning of October 20th, 2009, I unexpectedly found out I would give birth to you within the next 24 hours. Of course, no one really expected you to come until the next day, but you had other plans. I will never forget the intensity of labor (well, only as much as other moms who are blessed with a mild sense of amnesia so that we'll gladly go through the experience again!). Without any drugs, I felt everything--the immense pressure of contractions that racked my body; your father's sturdy arm as I dug my nails into him; fear of the unknown and if everything would be OK; and the purest joy and pride that comes with surviving such a challenge. Your dad cried with me in the very moments the doctor held you in the air, discolored and coated with the evidence of your own challenge in coming into this world with such vigor and success--and with such fragile beauty that I knew I would do everything in my power to love and care for you and give you all of life's experiences.
I write that last line with only the mildest guilt that is ever-present when I think of your death. I still have things to work on, Ty--so many things to work on to be perfected like you one day. But my faith in the gospel has grown tremendously. I have felt Heaven's encompassing arms around me during my most emotional days, and I distinctly remember feeling yours around me in the days following your funeral--that beautifully warm shiver that held me tightly as I curled in a ball, sobbing in my room while I listened to music that reminded me so vividly of you. But I do believe things happened the way they were intended. I know your dad and I loved you with the fullest of hearts, and agreed before we came to this earth that we would overcome this trial and be with you again after this mortal life. We will never stop striving for that.
Ty, you are a light in so many people's lives. If only I could touch as many people in my entire lifetime as you have in your 4 1/2 months on earth. If only all of us could leave such a lingering goodness with everyone we smiled at, like you did. You were such an easy baby to care for that at times, I do find myself wondering with some anxiety if I'll feel any resentment towards the next baby, or the next, who may not be as mellow and calm as you usually were. But then I look at pictures of newborns and feel their angelic souls, and I remember how natural it felt to hold you and love you...and I know in those moments that I will feel that way again with this baby in my womb, who is waiting for his or her turn on earth. I'm excited to know that you have been, and perhaps still are, prepping your brother or sister for their journey. When I first look into this baby's eyes, I will be thrilled to know you were one of the last people he or she saw in the Spirit World. And I will love him or her, daring to open my heart as wide as I did for you. I will learn how my heart can still grow.
Today we are celebrating your first birthday. I try to imagine what you would like right now if you were toddling around these days. Jamie Malloy said you would probably like anything with wheels! I have to agree. I bet you would be making strides in walking, too. You were always so strong, so determined.
You will always be remembered in our family. In your baby blessing, your father blessed you that you would be loved by all your parents, grandparents, your aunts and uncles... Today you will see that is indeed the case. Balloons will be let off this afternoon and evening in your honor in Utah, Nevada, Arizona, and even Thailand, with notes of love and an online link to your video so that you can continue to touch lives in ways we will never know.
You are the shining star in our family guiding us home.
I love you so much, so very, very much.
~Mama
XOXOXO
Five Weeks
It's 3:35 in the morning and once again I find myself wide awake thinking of you. You're constantly on my mind, but even more so these past couple weeks. I've been laying here in bed thinking about all the things I'd love to say to you, and all the memories that have come rushing back today, the day of your birthday.
One year ago on the morning of October 20th, 2009, I unexpectedly found out I would give birth to you within the next 24 hours. Of course, no one really expected you to come until the next day, but you had other plans. I will never forget the intensity of labor (well, only as much as other moms who are blessed with a mild sense of amnesia so that we'll gladly go through the experience again!). Without any drugs, I felt everything--the immense pressure of contractions that racked my body; your father's sturdy arm as I dug my nails into him; fear of the unknown and if everything would be OK; and the purest joy and pride that comes with surviving such a challenge. Your dad cried with me in the very moments the doctor held you in the air, discolored and coated with the evidence of your own challenge in coming into this world with such vigor and success--and with such fragile beauty that I knew I would do everything in my power to love and care for you and give you all of life's experiences.
I write that last line with only the mildest guilt that is ever-present when I think of your death. I still have things to work on, Ty--so many things to work on to be perfected like you one day. But my faith in the gospel has grown tremendously. I have felt Heaven's encompassing arms around me during my most emotional days, and I distinctly remember feeling yours around me in the days following your funeral--that beautifully warm shiver that held me tightly as I curled in a ball, sobbing in my room while I listened to music that reminded me so vividly of you. But I do believe things happened the way they were intended. I know your dad and I loved you with the fullest of hearts, and agreed before we came to this earth that we would overcome this trial and be with you again after this mortal life. We will never stop striving for that.
Ty, you are a light in so many people's lives. If only I could touch as many people in my entire lifetime as you have in your 4 1/2 months on earth. If only all of us could leave such a lingering goodness with everyone we smiled at, like you did. You were such an easy baby to care for that at times, I do find myself wondering with some anxiety if I'll feel any resentment towards the next baby, or the next, who may not be as mellow and calm as you usually were. But then I look at pictures of newborns and feel their angelic souls, and I remember how natural it felt to hold you and love you...and I know in those moments that I will feel that way again with this baby in my womb, who is waiting for his or her turn on earth. I'm excited to know that you have been, and perhaps still are, prepping your brother or sister for their journey. When I first look into this baby's eyes, I will be thrilled to know you were one of the last people he or she saw in the Spirit World. And I will love him or her, daring to open my heart as wide as I did for you. I will learn how my heart can still grow.
Today we are celebrating your first birthday. I try to imagine what you would like right now if you were toddling around these days. Jamie Malloy said you would probably like anything with wheels! I have to agree. I bet you would be making strides in walking, too. You were always so strong, so determined.
You will always be remembered in our family. In your baby blessing, your father blessed you that you would be loved by all your parents, grandparents, your aunts and uncles... Today you will see that is indeed the case. Balloons will be let off this afternoon and evening in your honor in Utah, Nevada, Arizona, and even Thailand, with notes of love and an online link to your video so that you can continue to touch lives in ways we will never know.
You are the shining star in our family guiding us home.
I love you so much, so very, very much.
~Mama
XOXOXO
The next day, after a good shower and clean
up for both of us!
Holding on tight to your Khun Yai and forever
changing her life. Now she is holding on to you just as tightly. We all
are.
Grandpa Rock--Another life changed by your sweet spirit
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