How About You?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Dan and I are not sure why Lewis & Roca feels the need to "wine and dine" us with activities and fun treats. It's not like we have any other law firm options! But I won't lie. It does feel nice to be pampered. We attended a baseball game on Friday night . . . The next day we went to a luncheon at a park. It was difficult to be there. Not only were Dan and I both burned out from the energy it takes to maintain an upbeat appearance all the time, but many people brought their children. I didn't want to be jealous as everyone showed off their kids.

But I was.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and blinked back tears, trying not to draw attention to myself. But anyone watching me closely would have seen how my eyes gravitated to the babies...how I had to look away to prevent the wallowing emotions that threatened to smother me. I didn't want to be weak. But it happened and I thought, "I don't want to bear this anymore!" It felt too difficult again. I thought about how I should be holding Ty proudly in my arms, loving that I could talk to the other moms about "how old is your baby?" and all the motherly conversations that I do not partake in anymore. I wanted to be a multi-tasker again, and struggle to eat my food with a squirming baby in my arms, simply because it meant I was holding my boy. Dan and I watched sorrowfully as the little train drove around the park, with little children beaming as they waved. Ty would have loved the train, we murmured to each other.

Fortunately, as these moments tend to be, these awful feelings were short lived. Within the hour, I was able to smile and chat with those around me, grateful to shake the negativity. There is always a sense of relief when these emotions and thoughts pass - as if I'm able to break through dark, deep waters and breathe fresh air again. I don't know how people survive feeling miserable all the time. It is bleak and confining. I'm so thankful the comfort of the spirit is always there, lingering within reach when I am ready to allow its embrace once again. It certainly takes effort. But it is well worth it.

During testimony meeting today, there was a lapse in speakers. My 9-year-old niece whispered to me, "What now?" I told her we just wait for someone else to get up and share their testimony.
"How about you?" she asked me, her innocent eyes looking into mine as I hesitated with my response.

"Do you really want me to?"

She nodded and said with a serious tone, "You have good reason to."

So I stood up and shared a shortened version of the testimony I have gained through my life experiences, including my testimony of the temple and the personal revelation that awaits anyone who enters with an honest and prayerful heart; my testimony of bearing one another's burdens; of compassion and service and its healing power; of families... especially of families, and how this gospel allows us to be together forever; and the importance of sharing one's testimony, so others can be strengthened in their time of need.

How about you?...You have good reason to.

Yes, I do have good reason. And I hope to always remember.