Friday, July 23, 2010
I'm struggling with feeling purpose in my life again. The
feeling comes and goes...but ultimately, I find myself biding my time, trying to
distract myself with daily tasks so I can check off another day and hurry to the
next. I feel like I'm just waiting...waiting for life to feel completely normal
again. I don't mean "normal", as in laughing and smiling and hanging out with
family and friends. Dan and I have been able to do that since the funeral. But
some days I feel like I'm having one of those dreams where I'm trying to run,
trying to get somewhere, but I can't...because my limbs are numb and I have no
control to move, to get where I want. In those dreams, I'm frantic and
frustrated and I don't understand why I'm not working. I have somewhere to be!
Or I'm trying to escape.
The last few days have felt much like that. Based on my charting, I'm pretty sure this month is a flop for ovulating. I feel like all my efforts are wasted this month... checking, charting, timing... and worst of all, hoping. I keep thinking that life will truly begin again for me when I'm pregnant. It will be a count -down to happiness, instead of counting up and adding numbers that aren't going anywhere. Mentally and emotionally, my life is on hold.
I'm trying to be successful each day. I've been working on publishing goals. I just finished working on my synopsis, which some literary agencies require when you send in your query. I've been sprucing up my first few chapters, arranging and re-arranging over and over different ways to make the beginning more enticing. I've also been exercising, and I'm losing weight without even trying as hard as I used to.
But each week, the rejection letters keep coming. Only one agent has asked to even look at my first fifty pages and turned it down. I guess I feel like I'm failing... at so many things. Rejected, rejected. Some days I don't even care about getting published. It's just a hobby - something to do to pretend I have purpose.
What do you do when you know what you want and you can't have it? The hardest thing for me is to remember and accept is the Lord's timing and hand in all things.
Carrie and I were talking about how, sometimes, we feel like, "I've had my tragedy. Let's bring on the blessings!" But it doesn't really work that way. Even though I'd like to think nothing like this will ever happen to me again...I know it could. I've seen and heard about it in other peoples lives. I am not exempt. And why should I be? But I'm afraid. The last couple days I have felt weak. I feel ashamed that I can't always be strong. And once in a while, like last night, I feel angry and question so many things.
A scripture from stake conference (back in April) keeps coming to mind. "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24) The statement seems contradictory. But what is being stated is this: We all have limits. We can believe as much as we can, and even then, sometimes we need a little boost to keep us going.
I guess the past couple days, I have reached my limit. I have been praying for the Lord to help rekindle my faith. I have had wonderful experiences that get pushed to the side in the midst of a bad day. But even now, as I write these things, I feel myself strengthening, and remembering the things I know to be true. I do believe everything will work out as intended; that the Lord sees and knows things in our future that we cannot comprehend at this time. So for now, I continue to pray:
"Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.
The last few days have felt much like that. Based on my charting, I'm pretty sure this month is a flop for ovulating. I feel like all my efforts are wasted this month... checking, charting, timing... and worst of all, hoping. I keep thinking that life will truly begin again for me when I'm pregnant. It will be a count -down to happiness, instead of counting up and adding numbers that aren't going anywhere. Mentally and emotionally, my life is on hold.
I'm trying to be successful each day. I've been working on publishing goals. I just finished working on my synopsis, which some literary agencies require when you send in your query. I've been sprucing up my first few chapters, arranging and re-arranging over and over different ways to make the beginning more enticing. I've also been exercising, and I'm losing weight without even trying as hard as I used to.
But each week, the rejection letters keep coming. Only one agent has asked to even look at my first fifty pages and turned it down. I guess I feel like I'm failing... at so many things. Rejected, rejected. Some days I don't even care about getting published. It's just a hobby - something to do to pretend I have purpose.
What do you do when you know what you want and you can't have it? The hardest thing for me is to remember and accept is the Lord's timing and hand in all things.
Carrie and I were talking about how, sometimes, we feel like, "I've had my tragedy. Let's bring on the blessings!" But it doesn't really work that way. Even though I'd like to think nothing like this will ever happen to me again...I know it could. I've seen and heard about it in other peoples lives. I am not exempt. And why should I be? But I'm afraid. The last couple days I have felt weak. I feel ashamed that I can't always be strong. And once in a while, like last night, I feel angry and question so many things.
A scripture from stake conference (back in April) keeps coming to mind. "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24) The statement seems contradictory. But what is being stated is this: We all have limits. We can believe as much as we can, and even then, sometimes we need a little boost to keep us going.
I guess the past couple days, I have reached my limit. I have been praying for the Lord to help rekindle my faith. I have had wonderful experiences that get pushed to the side in the midst of a bad day. But even now, as I write these things, I feel myself strengthening, and remembering the things I know to be true. I do believe everything will work out as intended; that the Lord sees and knows things in our future that we cannot comprehend at this time. So for now, I continue to pray:
"Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.
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