Monday, October 4, 2010
It's only a 2 minute drive to Jamie's house. As I drove
over there in my dad's car, I listened to the CD that was already playing. I
immediately recognized it as the play-list my dad made in remembrance of Ty.
It's amazing how much hurt and powerful emotions can be felt in such a short
amount of time, all because of music, and it's fortunate that the drive was
short or I may not have made it to my destination! Now I understand why a
"healthy" choice in music has always been emphasized. Music has the power to
invoke the strongest, most deep-rooted feelings and thoughts. With Ty, nothing
triggers my grief or even my peace as much as music can in moments. Anytime I
hear Ty's DVD start to play, those first four notes send a tremor through me
that shakes me to the core. I can't listen to Paul Cardall's, "I Am A Child of
God" if I am not prepared to feel...to remember...to hurt...to love.
When I arrived at Jamie's, she (of course!) seemed to know that I wasn't Ok--despite me having sat in the car long enough for my red eyes to clear up and fix my smudged make-up. It was helpful to talk to her a bit about how much Ty has been on my mind because of his upcoming birthday on October 20th. I'm not sure Dan and I are prepared for that day to come. Anyway, I did feel perfectly fine after I left Jamie's house on my way to Wal-Mart after our fun conversation. Thinking I was strong enough to listen to the CD, I left it playing so I could just think positively about Ty. But my emotions took a nose-dive. I'm surprised I didn't crash on the freeway as I drove through my blur of tears. Finally reaching the parking lot, the embedded guilt that still creeps up on me once in a while found its way to the surface once again--and I cried in near hysterics, loathing myself and the thought that Satan puts in my head during my weakest moments: That the only reason Heavenly Father prepared us for Ty's inevitable death was because God knew I would fail--that I would make a mistake that would cost my son's life; that the blanket over his body was the cause of his death.
I'm not sure how long I sat in the car, wailing uncontrollably. But when all my tears were spent, I again seemed to remember that these feelings come from Satan. But still the lingering thought, "That's just what guilty people say. There must be some truth to it..." played in my mind, despite my efforts to shake them. When I returned from grocery shopping, I felt exhausted and emotionally shaken. I voiced what happened to Dan, knowing somehow he would remind me of truth. As always, he followed through like the hero he is to me. He gripped my shoulders and made me look him in the eyes as he testified of the truth that our son had a few missions here on earth, and when they were complete, Heavenly Father called Ty home. Dan again spoke of the blessing he received from our Bishop back in May, that stated the following: That before Dan came down to this earth he was given a blessing, and in it he was told he would lose his son at an early age. Most importantly, he agreed to do this and would overcome it.
Dan wishes I had been present for this powerful blessing, which squashed any feelings of guilt for Dan. He has never wavered since, knowing since then that it was out of our hands and only in the Lord's control. I have leaned on Dan's testimony and this blessing many times when Satan has attacked me. As always, my peace returned this afternoon, secured by Dan's faith and fervor. We talked again about how these feelings of fear are not from Heavenly Father. They are from Satan, who is real and cruel and despicable--who wants to destroy me and my happiness, including the joy in this new pregnancy. God would not want me to blame myself. Ty would not want me to blame myself.
Today was a reminder that I still have a lot of work to do. I am doing better...I am doing very well... but the healing process is not over. Sometimes it's hard for me to know it will take even more time. With my goal-driven personality, I think I still tend to push ahead farther than I am able, striving forward as far as I can. When I have something to do, I just like to get it done because I hate having anything hang over my head. But I'm learning to accept the difference in this situation. I am learning how to heal.
Music that reminds me of Ty:
When I arrived at Jamie's, she (of course!) seemed to know that I wasn't Ok--despite me having sat in the car long enough for my red eyes to clear up and fix my smudged make-up. It was helpful to talk to her a bit about how much Ty has been on my mind because of his upcoming birthday on October 20th. I'm not sure Dan and I are prepared for that day to come. Anyway, I did feel perfectly fine after I left Jamie's house on my way to Wal-Mart after our fun conversation. Thinking I was strong enough to listen to the CD, I left it playing so I could just think positively about Ty. But my emotions took a nose-dive. I'm surprised I didn't crash on the freeway as I drove through my blur of tears. Finally reaching the parking lot, the embedded guilt that still creeps up on me once in a while found its way to the surface once again--and I cried in near hysterics, loathing myself and the thought that Satan puts in my head during my weakest moments: That the only reason Heavenly Father prepared us for Ty's inevitable death was because God knew I would fail--that I would make a mistake that would cost my son's life; that the blanket over his body was the cause of his death.
I'm not sure how long I sat in the car, wailing uncontrollably. But when all my tears were spent, I again seemed to remember that these feelings come from Satan. But still the lingering thought, "That's just what guilty people say. There must be some truth to it..." played in my mind, despite my efforts to shake them. When I returned from grocery shopping, I felt exhausted and emotionally shaken. I voiced what happened to Dan, knowing somehow he would remind me of truth. As always, he followed through like the hero he is to me. He gripped my shoulders and made me look him in the eyes as he testified of the truth that our son had a few missions here on earth, and when they were complete, Heavenly Father called Ty home. Dan again spoke of the blessing he received from our Bishop back in May, that stated the following: That before Dan came down to this earth he was given a blessing, and in it he was told he would lose his son at an early age. Most importantly, he agreed to do this and would overcome it.
Dan wishes I had been present for this powerful blessing, which squashed any feelings of guilt for Dan. He has never wavered since, knowing since then that it was out of our hands and only in the Lord's control. I have leaned on Dan's testimony and this blessing many times when Satan has attacked me. As always, my peace returned this afternoon, secured by Dan's faith and fervor. We talked again about how these feelings of fear are not from Heavenly Father. They are from Satan, who is real and cruel and despicable--who wants to destroy me and my happiness, including the joy in this new pregnancy. God would not want me to blame myself. Ty would not want me to blame myself.
Today was a reminder that I still have a lot of work to do. I am doing better...I am doing very well... but the healing process is not over. Sometimes it's hard for me to know it will take even more time. With my goal-driven personality, I think I still tend to push ahead farther than I am able, striving forward as far as I can. When I have something to do, I just like to get it done because I hate having anything hang over my head. But I'm learning to accept the difference in this situation. I am learning how to heal.
Music that reminds me of Ty:
- Anything and everything Josh Groban, especially "Remember When It Rains." Ty and I always listened to Josh Groban-type music at home (or Hayley Westenra, Charlotte Church, etc.) During the last couple weeks before Ty passed away, one day I was amazed to hear Josh Groban belting through my dad's condo when I arrived to pick Ty up from being baby-sat. My dad said, "Ty really likes Josh Groban!" It's always been a sweet memory to me to see how even my dad discovered Ty's love for that beautiful, inspiring music. The content, peaceful expression on Ty's face is so precious to me.
- "Calling All Angels" and "Again" by Jessie Clark Funk (a gift from Aunt Lori and Kami that has comforted me greatly since the funeral)
- "Let Her Cry" and "The Real Me" by Hillary Weeks (Gift from another friend after the funeral.)
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