Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sometimes falling asleep is scary to me. You can be
propelled into any type of dream, any scenario...and everything about it will
seem so real. I had an unpleasant one the other night, one that has stayed with
me days later:
I was in the car with my mom and my sister and we were talking about Pawnee's pregnancy. Then Pawnee, seated beside me, looked at me and said, "What was your baby's name again? I'm sorry, I can't remember."
I frowned, racking my own brain for his name. But I couldn't remember. Feeling anxious and embarrassed, I asked my mom, "Do you remember? I don't know why I can't remember all of a sudden." My mom shook her head, looking as confused as the rest of us. I panicked, seeing a fleeting image of my baby boy in my mind but unable to grasp it. I started yelling and crying hysterically, "What is his name? WHAT IS HIS NAME??" I thought perhaps it started with a "C", that it was an older name like "Charles"... but that wasn't right. I called Dan, knowing he would know. But even Dan couldn't remember. Mortified, I screamed and sobbed, strewn across the backseats...
When I woke up, my eyes flew open and with a breath of relief, I thought, "Ty Edward Kiefer. That is his name." I still haven't completely shaken that dark, awful feeling of forgetting Ty. I know that will never happen--least of all from the people in my dream. But I guess somewhere inside of me, I'm afraid to move on and have his memories be forgotten. The dream was two nights after his birthday, so I guess it makes sense, since I was thinking a lot about all his birthdays in the future and what we would do or not do as the years passed... I constantly need to remind myself, "One day at a time!"
I'm anxious again about this baby in my womb. On Ty's birthday, I worried about the grief I felt and if it would affect this baby. I prayed for protection over this little one that he or she would not feel the pain that day, or in days to come. Dan told me he was sure the baby would be Ok--that the baby's spirit knows Ty and understands the situation and will be prepared. I hope so... I also hope I can stop worrying about whether the heart beat is still there or not. I'll be a little over 11 weeks when I have my next baby appointment on November 2. I find myself on a daily basis expecting to see myself bleeding, or imagining what I'll do when they don't find the heart beat next week. Sometimes I want to shake myself and say, "Stop being so afraid!" But I am. I'm afraid to get attached because I keep anticipating loss.
I have to keep reminding myself to pray for faith and reassurance--to not let fear destroy the joy in this pregnancy
I was in the car with my mom and my sister and we were talking about Pawnee's pregnancy. Then Pawnee, seated beside me, looked at me and said, "What was your baby's name again? I'm sorry, I can't remember."
I frowned, racking my own brain for his name. But I couldn't remember. Feeling anxious and embarrassed, I asked my mom, "Do you remember? I don't know why I can't remember all of a sudden." My mom shook her head, looking as confused as the rest of us. I panicked, seeing a fleeting image of my baby boy in my mind but unable to grasp it. I started yelling and crying hysterically, "What is his name? WHAT IS HIS NAME??" I thought perhaps it started with a "C", that it was an older name like "Charles"... but that wasn't right. I called Dan, knowing he would know. But even Dan couldn't remember. Mortified, I screamed and sobbed, strewn across the backseats...
When I woke up, my eyes flew open and with a breath of relief, I thought, "Ty Edward Kiefer. That is his name." I still haven't completely shaken that dark, awful feeling of forgetting Ty. I know that will never happen--least of all from the people in my dream. But I guess somewhere inside of me, I'm afraid to move on and have his memories be forgotten. The dream was two nights after his birthday, so I guess it makes sense, since I was thinking a lot about all his birthdays in the future and what we would do or not do as the years passed... I constantly need to remind myself, "One day at a time!"
I'm anxious again about this baby in my womb. On Ty's birthday, I worried about the grief I felt and if it would affect this baby. I prayed for protection over this little one that he or she would not feel the pain that day, or in days to come. Dan told me he was sure the baby would be Ok--that the baby's spirit knows Ty and understands the situation and will be prepared. I hope so... I also hope I can stop worrying about whether the heart beat is still there or not. I'll be a little over 11 weeks when I have my next baby appointment on November 2. I find myself on a daily basis expecting to see myself bleeding, or imagining what I'll do when they don't find the heart beat next week. Sometimes I want to shake myself and say, "Stop being so afraid!" But I am. I'm afraid to get attached because I keep anticipating loss.
I have to keep reminding myself to pray for faith and reassurance--to not let fear destroy the joy in this pregnancy
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