Year Two

Monday, March 12, 2012

Saturday turned out to be a good day, after all. Despite my "Dumbo" melt-down, where I kept crying off and on for a couple hours post-blog entry, I didn't shed any sad tears on March 10th. In fact, I felt quite happy. I spent the morning at a stake Relief Society birthday celebration (mostly trying to keep Aiyana entertained throughout the program) and then Dan and I attended the temple in the afternoon. Our Bishop's wife had volunteered to babysit Aiyana so we could do that, which was so kind and thoughtful.

I didn't specifically feel Ty's spirit near me, so I don't know if he was there or not . . . but I do know I felt peace again just like last year. Perhaps it's one in the same, I'm not sure. Either way, this year was considerably easier than last year. Having Aiyana with me helps so much. She is my healing grace! I've decided that I CAN believe it's been two years. In fact, I feel like it's been substantially longer. It feels like it's been years and years since I've held Ty, but it's good in a way. I could not bear the pain if it felt so fresh every day. Sometimes that's the power behind "time heals".

My friend visited Ty's grave for me. It was special because we've been corresponding for a year now, since her 4-month-old boy passed away last year, one day before Ty's 1-year-anniversary. I'm grateful for the relationship we've developed from simply emailing back and forth and sharing the burden of loss and healing.

 

I miss the cemetery; however, I have realized that what everybody told me is true: I have found Ty in Las Vegas after all, or he found us. I have felt him close one specific time in the temple a couple months ago, and I feel him often in Aiyana's nursery. Sometimes it's just that my thoughts are closer to him, so he may not necessarily be there. . . but the nursery has become what the cemetery used to be for me: Just a quiet, peaceful place where the Spirit can speak to me (or where I can occasionally sense Ty close). For me, it does feel different than any other room in the house. Aiyana, too, is incredibly happy in there. When she wakes from her naps, I often go in there and get her 20-30 minutes after she has woken up because she is just content to lay there and babble. I'm so grateful that the nightmare that tainted Ty's nursery has not followed me into Aiyana's sanctuary.

Sometimes I think too far ahead and wonder things like, "Will I write a post every year for his death anniversary? Will I let go balloons on his birthday for as long as I live?" I forget that there is not a right or wrong answer. For instance, during Christmas, only after hanging up the stockings did I realize I did not buy one for Ty. "Should I have?" I asked my friend, Lisa. She gave me some great advice. She said if I had thought to buy one for him then I should have, but the fact that I didn't think about it, probably means I'm ok not to. She told me to just go with my instinct. So that's what I'm going to do: just go with my gut when it comes to including Ty or writing about him or not. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him, but I feel myself healing every day that passes to where I don't need to process every sad thought through writing. I am grateful for that also.