Sleeping Again

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Something happened over the last few days. Dan and I have been sleeping better--in fact, I'd say we sleep pretty well, or at least as well as can be expected of parents with a newborn! Pure exhaustion may have had something to do with it. Perhaps my body decided to veto my crazed mentality to stay up as late as I could every single night for almost a week straight. But more likely, I have felt strength come to us through our most reliable source: PRAYER. I know so many of my family and friends have been praying for us, as have Dan and I each night. Sometimes I'd even fall asleep mumbling a prayer to relieve the biting anxiety that thwarted my sleep.

Then one night just days ago, after resting a final hand on Aiyana's chest as she slept, I laid a heavy head down on my pillow, rolled onto my stomach, and quickly fell asleep before I even had time to be surprised. The next couple nights followed suite: I'd do my usual routine of shining my cell. phone light onto Aiyana's face, lay my palm on her chest and count her quickened breaths, and then recognized the reassuring peace that allowed me to fall asleep. It felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off my chest, allowing me to breath more deeply and sleep more soundly without the disturbing thoughts and images that plagued me for the first week of Aiyana's life. Not that I don't still have my moments of paranoia. But over the past few days, I'm able to sleep the full 3-4 hours that Aiyana sleeps in between feedings, and within 30-40 minutes of nursing, changing her diaper and swaddling her again, I can easily fall asleep. Dan has felt the same, and although he has had the assistance of sleeping pills so he can get up and study for the Bar all day, he also has noticed the significant difference in our night-time demeanor.

Am I cured from my anxiety? No. But as I was told in the blessing I received: The fear is dissipating little by little. Every day, I find myself able to drive longer distances without panicking that I can't stop the car to check her car seat; I can leave her at home with my mom without the desire to call every twenty minutes to make sure my mom sees her breathing; I am starting to truly believe that I will indeed watch this little baby grow beyond her first few months.

 

 

 

We talked to the pediatrician today about SIDS. He asked us if we wanted a heart/apnea monitor and said he could order one for us. I told him Dan and I were still deliberating, though we have been leaning towards not getting one, especially since we're just starting to feel more comfortable. The pediatrician told us that even with the monitor, if SIDS were to occur it is usually still too late to do anything about it. He said SIDS babies are very difficult to revive, even if we caught the incidence right away. With that information, as well as the rate of false alarms, Dan and I will probably not use one. For us, it does not feel necessary at this point, but I guess we'll see how it goes. And again, it all comes down to the question I ask myself almost every day: Do I believe in priesthood blessings? If I do . . . if I truly do . . . then I have nothing to fear.

I think I am resigning myself to the idea that I really have no control. All I can do is love my baby and enjoy every moment with her for as long as I'm blessed to have her. Throughout the day, especially when she's alert and staring right back at me, I am filled with so much love and tell her, "You are so beautiful." I'm really enjoying being her mother. She does not fill Ty's spot--Dan and I have discussed how we still miss him just as much--but that's okay. Aiyana is developing a new part of our hearts that is all her own, just like she deserves. And we love her so much.