Ty's Headstone

Friday, May 28, 2010

 

Ty's headstone is finally in place. Dan and I left on Tuesday to Moab and now we're gone for the summer, so my dad took a picture and emailed it to us. When we saw it, we both were emotional to say the least. My first thought was, "Oh, it's beautiful. It's just how we wanted it." And then I instantly hated it - hated the finality of seeing Ty's beautiful face on that stone. Dan held me and cried with me. After a couple minutes, even when I tried looking at it again, I just couldn't look at it without feeling our mortal grief. Dan took me into another room and let us both cry again.We miss him so much.

Truly though, I'm happy there is a headstone now. With Dan studying for finals, it was a few weeks after the funeral until we could go together and decide what we wanted for Ty. I hated how empty and naked it looked. Surprisingly, it only took Dan and me a few minutes to agree. We both wanted the same things- especially the scripture at the bottom: 1 Samuel 1:26-28. I will always treasure those verses and how much they have meant to me before conception and after death.

Sometimes I still can't believe this happened. I've been thinking more about it with a heavier heart lately. I think it's because we are trying to get pregnant again, and while I want it again more than anything, at times I am bombarded with such fear that I don't know what to do. I have a friend who recently lost her baby at 11 weeks. I was so very sad for her. And I couldn't help feeling so scared for the future. I want to be pregnant. But I know it will only be the beginning of some very real and intense emotions that I will need to face head on in order to be OK. I will be scared through all of my pregnancy, knowing now that anything is possible. It will be the beginning of fearing for this child's life for years to come. No one ever thinks "it" will happen to them. I remember Ty's doctor appointment two days before he died when the doctor warned about SIDS, saying, "It happens to someone in our community every year." His words haunted me the moment we followed after the ambulance towards the hospital.

I keep thinking everything will be OK once I get pregnant - that I will have a true sense of purpose again and won't be "wasting time". In my heart, I know I'm not wasting time. There's lots of good I'm doing and can continue to do with my free time... But it still feels that way, sometimes.

Fear is such an interesting emotion. It can inhibit danger and protect you through instinctual warning... or it can sabotage your life by paralyzing you with negative thoughts. I know I need to invest in some heavy-duty prayer and fasting to prepare myself for what lies ahead. And I know Dan and I can do it with the help we continue to receive from family, friends, and the Lord.