"The Test"

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Last night, a heavy depression fell over me as I laid in bed. I think my feelings were triggered while I was baby-sitting a little boy who is only 7 or 8 weeks older than Ty would be. I rocked this little boy in the rocking-chair while we read books and listened to music.. and that craving for my son came back... as did some stress and anxiety when I returned home. Later, it was only 9:30pm, but I turned my back on Dan, closed my eyes and didn't respond to him. Hating life in that moment, I just wanted to sleep the next year away. Dan pulled me over to him and massaged my back while we watched a movie on our laptop, and eventually, the feelings passed -- as I knew they would, but am always so grateful when they do.

This morning, some of the residual emotions remained with me. I tried to muster up the energy to go workout, but instead I sat by the piano and opened the Janice Kapp Perry music because it's easy to play and I'm really not great at sight-reading anymore. I started to play, "The Test" because I've always thought the music was simple and beautiful. I don't remember singing through all the verses as a youth -- probably because the melody is meant for a high soprano and that's certainly not me! But this morning, since I was just playing the piano, I sang the words in my head... and felt the familiar rush of the spirit run through me and with my tears by the time I reached the second verse.

(Verse 1)
Tell me friend, why are you blind? Why doesn't He who worked the miracles send light into your eyes?
Tell me friend, if you understand, why doesn't He with pow'r to raise the dead just make you whole again?
It would be so easy for Him. I watch you and in sorrow question why
Then you, my friend, in perfect faith reply:

(Chorus)
Didn't He say He sent us to be tested? Didn't he say the way would not be sure?
But didn't He say we could live with Him forever more, well and whole,
if we but patiently endure?
After the trial, we will be blessed, but this life is the test.

(Verse 2)
Tell me friend, I see your pain. Why when you pray in faith for healing,
does the cripplin' thorn remain?
Help me see, if you understand, why doesn't He who healed the lame man come
with healing in His wings?
It would be so easy for Him. I watch you and in sorrow question why.
Then you my friend in perfect faith reply:

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)
Tell me Love, why must you die? Why must your loved one stand with empty arms
and ask the question "why"?
Help me know, so I can go on. How, when your love and faith sustained me, can the precious gift be gone?
From the depths of sorrow I cry!
Though pains of grief within my soul arise, the whisp'rings of the spirit still my cries:

(Chorus)

There's a video I have of Ty that always makes me feel bad. He's 11 weeks old and is lying on his stomach for "tummy time". He's rocking back and forth, struggling to roll over, and making disgruntled noises. It's obvious that he really did not want to be on his tummy! As I was watching and taping him, I remember wanting to hurry over and just pick him up because it hurt my heart to see him struggling, as it does every time I see that segment now. I can't help thinking, "Why did I let him struggle for so long?? Why did I just sit back and watch??"

I had this conversation with Carrie a while back, and she reminded me that Heavenly Father probably feels the same way, watching us go through our trials and challenges. As the song says, "It would be so easy for Him" to fix the situation, to heal any of us in a heart-beat. But for reasons we can't understand, it's good for us and will strengthen us.

So much easier said than done. But it's helpful to be reminded. I don't know what's going on lately. I do feel like Satan is hitting me harder lately. Or maybe finally addressing some of my emotional issues is allowing a huge load to finally resurface, and I just need to go through this. I don't mean to be a "downer" or negative. I just need to let it out and figure some of this stuff out, and this is the best way I know how.

One day, it will all make sense.