Wednesday, October 20, 2010
After waking up to type my letter to Ty, I fell asleep
again around 5:30am and then got up with Dan a little after 8. Dan went to class
and work all day, while I started off my morning listening to the Josh Groban CD
I bought my dad for father's day this year. I was just fine for the first couple
songs as I browsed the Internet... but the thought came to mind, "Erica, just
sit and listen to the music, and allow yourself to feel". With an inward sigh, I
put my distractions aside and anticipated what I knew was coming, and let the
music fill me to the core. I released a good hard cry for quite some time. But
it really was a good cry and just what I needed. Josh Groban always
brings me to tears, but his astounding gift of music also leaves me with a
wonderful spirit every time.
Later, I went to the cemetery to drop off beautiful flowers from family members and some friends, as well as a pot of lilies from Dan and me. As I pulled up to the cemetery, I could see a large pot of purple flowers with a birthday balloon, and three or four more bouquets with little notes inside--mostly anonymous. I sat and cried for a few minutes more, so touched by the love and support in our lives. How did we get so lucky?
In the afternoon, Jamie helped me out by purchasing nine blue helium balloons in the shape of stars, and one "Happy Birthday" balloon that differed from them all to represent Ty's first birthday. We made chocolate-cream cheese cupcakes, strawberry cupcakes with butter cream frosting, and then attached little paper tags to each of the balloons. As planned, on each note we wrote the link to Ty's video (*no longer active unfortunately) and left space for our friends to write messages. Jamie helped me write a few from my family in Utah, Jen, Rusty, and my dad in Hawaii, and my mom in Thailand who could not be at the celebration.
At 4:15, Dan and I met in the cemetery where ten of our friends and a couple handful of kids surrounded us. The 65 degree weather was perfectly warm but not too hot as we took turns writing notes of love attached to the balloons, while Josh Groban played from a car stereo. After lighting some candles and singing Happy Birthday to Ty, Dan and I blew out the candles (or the wind did, rather) and then we let go of all the balloons. In a large group, the balloons ascended slowly, sparkling as they caught the glint of the gorgeous sunlight. As the wind carried them northward, they gradually spread out in different directions. We watched them quietly until we could no longer detect the twinkling in the sky--all except for one. We laughed in dismay, noting that the only balloon to get it's string caught in a tree was the Happy Birthday balloon with the note from Dan and me. Dan tried shaking the tree, since jumping for it was useless. It was too young of a tree to have branches to climb on, but too tall that we couldn't reach it! Dan and I promised to come back for it later.
Helium
balloons always give me some anxiety, ever since I was little and my balloon
slipped from my hands and drifted away into the dark sky. I feel like I have
little control over them--that if I slip up, I might lose them. It was a little
hard to watch the balloons leave...
After everyone finished sharing cupcakes and chatting, most of our friends had to go home or to work, but a few did join us at the condo to watch Ty's video. There was some laughter and lots of tears. It's always so hard for me to hear Dan cry. I am such a private griever that my hardest cries are usually when I'm alone. Hearing Dan's anguish breaks my heart every time because I can do nothing but hold onto him and hope the pain subsides as it does for me. Jamie was the only person who could stay for the whole video, and when it was done, with tears reddening and swelling around our eyes, Jamie asked if she could offer a prayer of comfort. We kneeled together and she prayed, welcoming the spirit back into our home.
Dan and I decided it was time for comfort food, so we retreated to our favorite steakhouse: Ruby River! But first, we had some business to take care of at the cemetery. Returning with a broomstick, Dan tried in vain to knock the balloon out of the branches, but even with the broom he could not reach the string. I offered to stand on his back (he he) with the broom in hand, and swiped at the branches. We must have looked quite the sight because an elderly woman passing by stopped, laughed, and (noting my camera on the hood of our car) offered to take a picture of our failing attempts! "Sure", I agreed, since I was the one standing on Dan's back. We did eventually get the balloon released by Dan throwing the broom horizontally a few times to unravel the string from it's loop around the branch. Our note tore off though... We were a little bummed, then remembered we had two balloons tied to Ty's flowers, so we sent it up in the air on its own.
A little
pumpkin Dan made for Ty...except Dan took it back to keep on his desk at law
school for a few days. He loves his boy so much.
Yesterday, I found myself thinking that today didn't have to be a hard day--not completely anyway. Did I need to allow myself to hurt? Yes. But I also decided that I would find ways to feel the Spirit because when I do, I also recognize Ty's spirit, which I can't always detect when I'm broken hearted. Today had its emotional ups and downs, but as Jamie reminded me during the afternoon, "Your emotions follow your thoughts" (a teaching from our therapist that has made so much sense to me!). Today we made the choice to think positively and celebrate, rather than purely mourn. I am very happy with how special and beautiful today felt.
I prayed to Heavenly Father that even though I'm sure Ty is busy, that he would be allowed to be there for our celebration in the cemetery. With the wonderful spirit that was present, I have no doubt he was there. I hope he felt all the love that was there for him today...and that was shared in Las Vegas and in Surprise, and all the way in Thailand.
Love you, Baby!
Later, I went to the cemetery to drop off beautiful flowers from family members and some friends, as well as a pot of lilies from Dan and me. As I pulled up to the cemetery, I could see a large pot of purple flowers with a birthday balloon, and three or four more bouquets with little notes inside--mostly anonymous. I sat and cried for a few minutes more, so touched by the love and support in our lives. How did we get so lucky?
In the afternoon, Jamie helped me out by purchasing nine blue helium balloons in the shape of stars, and one "Happy Birthday" balloon that differed from them all to represent Ty's first birthday. We made chocolate-cream cheese cupcakes, strawberry cupcakes with butter cream frosting, and then attached little paper tags to each of the balloons. As planned, on each note we wrote the link to Ty's video (*no longer active unfortunately) and left space for our friends to write messages. Jamie helped me write a few from my family in Utah, Jen, Rusty, and my dad in Hawaii, and my mom in Thailand who could not be at the celebration.
At 4:15, Dan and I met in the cemetery where ten of our friends and a couple handful of kids surrounded us. The 65 degree weather was perfectly warm but not too hot as we took turns writing notes of love attached to the balloons, while Josh Groban played from a car stereo. After lighting some candles and singing Happy Birthday to Ty, Dan and I blew out the candles (or the wind did, rather) and then we let go of all the balloons. In a large group, the balloons ascended slowly, sparkling as they caught the glint of the gorgeous sunlight. As the wind carried them northward, they gradually spread out in different directions. We watched them quietly until we could no longer detect the twinkling in the sky--all except for one. We laughed in dismay, noting that the only balloon to get it's string caught in a tree was the Happy Birthday balloon with the note from Dan and me. Dan tried shaking the tree, since jumping for it was useless. It was too young of a tree to have branches to climb on, but too tall that we couldn't reach it! Dan and I promised to come back for it later.
Brittany, Jamie, Elias
You can't really see it, but next to the black
bracelet I'm wearing, I'm also wearing a chain with a silver pendant with Ty's
name and birthday engraved on it. My friend, Nancy, had it made for me.
Dan's note: "You are my prize!" (Mosiah
4:27)
Took a few minutes to untangle the balloons, but
our friends were so patient and helpful.
Singing Happy Birthday
Time to let go!
So blessed with love and friendship!
After everyone finished sharing cupcakes and chatting, most of our friends had to go home or to work, but a few did join us at the condo to watch Ty's video. There was some laughter and lots of tears. It's always so hard for me to hear Dan cry. I am such a private griever that my hardest cries are usually when I'm alone. Hearing Dan's anguish breaks my heart every time because I can do nothing but hold onto him and hope the pain subsides as it does for me. Jamie was the only person who could stay for the whole video, and when it was done, with tears reddening and swelling around our eyes, Jamie asked if she could offer a prayer of comfort. We kneeled together and she prayed, welcoming the spirit back into our home.
Dan and I decided it was time for comfort food, so we retreated to our favorite steakhouse: Ruby River! But first, we had some business to take care of at the cemetery. Returning with a broomstick, Dan tried in vain to knock the balloon out of the branches, but even with the broom he could not reach the string. I offered to stand on his back (he he) with the broom in hand, and swiped at the branches. We must have looked quite the sight because an elderly woman passing by stopped, laughed, and (noting my camera on the hood of our car) offered to take a picture of our failing attempts! "Sure", I agreed, since I was the one standing on Dan's back. We did eventually get the balloon released by Dan throwing the broom horizontally a few times to unravel the string from it's loop around the branch. Our note tore off though... We were a little bummed, then remembered we had two balloons tied to Ty's flowers, so we sent it up in the air on its own.
I love you, Dan.
Yesterday, I found myself thinking that today didn't have to be a hard day--not completely anyway. Did I need to allow myself to hurt? Yes. But I also decided that I would find ways to feel the Spirit because when I do, I also recognize Ty's spirit, which I can't always detect when I'm broken hearted. Today had its emotional ups and downs, but as Jamie reminded me during the afternoon, "Your emotions follow your thoughts" (a teaching from our therapist that has made so much sense to me!). Today we made the choice to think positively and celebrate, rather than purely mourn. I am very happy with how special and beautiful today felt.
I prayed to Heavenly Father that even though I'm sure Ty is busy, that he would be allowed to be there for our celebration in the cemetery. With the wonderful spirit that was present, I have no doubt he was there. I hope he felt all the love that was there for him today...and that was shared in Las Vegas and in Surprise, and all the way in Thailand.
Love you, Baby!
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