Needing a Little Extra Faitih Today . . .

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

(A letter I wrote to a friend who asked how I was doing. It sums up my feelings perfectly, so rather than re-write it, I'm just posting it.)

I'm having a hard day today. I got my period. I forgot how much I hated seeing it - how it always makes me cry so hard. I've been temperature charting the last two months. This month I knew we hit everything perfectly, and my temperature was doing everything it was supposed to. I actually thought I might be pregnant. I tried to be optimistic this time and planned out exactly how I would tell Dan tomorrow.

But I'm not... and it hurts really bad. Having a baby in my arms again seems so far away, especially every month that goes by that I'm not even pregnant. I always thought trying to get pregnant round 2 would be so much easier because I would have Ty to keep me entertained. I remember holding him one day and being so grateful he was with me - that the ache for a baby would never be quite as bad.
Sometimes i don't understand why God won't just make it happen, if I'm doing everything I can on my part, especially these days when I seem to need it most. But I realize I've been here before when i was trying to get pregnant with Ty: Questioning and frustrated, even though i know other people have gone through so much more when trying to conceive.
I learned patience once. I guess I need to remember Elder Uchtdorf's conference talk, "Continue in Patience." I need to read it again.

I was glad I wrote a letter. As always, writing helps me sort out my emotions and remember the things I know, but tend to forget on a hard day. I've read this talk a couple times. It seemed to be one of the most recommended to read. My favorite parts include:

 Waiting can be hard...We live in a world offering fast food, instant messaging, on-demand movies, and immediate answers to the most trivial or profound questions. We don't like to wait... Patience - the ability to put our desires on hold for a time - is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.

Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God...patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace.

Sometimes, even when I try not to, I've found myself putting a timeline on patience. "I can be patient until the end of the summer, and then I'm going to get anxious and frustrated." Sadly, I didn't even make it that long. That line of thinking defeats the whole purpose of patience. Besides, there's another part of Elder Uchtdorf's talk that is important to consider:

Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can't possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer...

God's promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways...the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.

God is in control, and He is mindful of our desires. I forget that all the time.

If you have not read this talk, you just need to. I was only going to quote a small portion and now I resist typing up the entire talk! He continues about how patience requires faith; to pray for patience until we understand; the definitions of patience, including delaying instant gratification and accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith...

For now, I will pray for patience, and for faith in Heavenly Father's promise to me that I will have more children, remembering His time and in His way.