Wednesday, July 28, 2010
It's been just over 4 1/2 months since Ty passed away.
With each day that passes, he will have been gone from this earth longer than I
carried him in my arms.
How is this possible? It seemed like he'd been in our lives forever. Within days before Ty's passing, Dan and I were playing with Ty in the nursery, tickling and laughing together. Dan, with such proud joy in his voice, said to me, "Can you imagine not having him in our family? I don't even remember what it was like not to have him."
I remember thinking that I did remember what it was like, and I never wanted to be back there again. Life had been good. But now it was even better.
I never...ever... imagined it would just be Dan and I standing together, just the two of us again.
4 1/2 months. How can one little boy change so many lives in that amount of time? I feel like that was a whole different life for me. Sometimes I'm afraid I don't remember it quite like I used to. What did it feel like? I have to ask myself. What was it like being a mother?
But when I think about it...when I truly think about it and vividly remember his touch, his baby smells, breastfeeding, his chubby hand that always clung to the rim of my shirts when I held him, and all the daily tasks that made life what it was back then... I shatter inside.
It hurts to remember. But Dan and I are both afraid to forget. One of the treasured gifts we have of Ty is the video montage. We have found ourselves watching it less over the past couple months. The pictures and videos evoke such a strong sense of remembrance that it scares us. Its like a slap in the face, waking us up from our distractions and forcing us to recall what we once had.
The other night, I was watching a show with Carrie and I heard music playing... It was the lullaby that plays in the background to the video. "Oh, no," I said. "Dan's watching the video." I felt dread. I feared for what he was about to feel, and feared for myself because I knew I could not let him watch it alone. Together, along with Jake, Carrie, and Lila, we watched it.
How is this possible? It seemed like he'd been in our lives forever. Within days before Ty's passing, Dan and I were playing with Ty in the nursery, tickling and laughing together. Dan, with such proud joy in his voice, said to me, "Can you imagine not having him in our family? I don't even remember what it was like not to have him."
I remember thinking that I did remember what it was like, and I never wanted to be back there again. Life had been good. But now it was even better.
I never...ever... imagined it would just be Dan and I standing together, just the two of us again.
4 1/2 months. How can one little boy change so many lives in that amount of time? I feel like that was a whole different life for me. Sometimes I'm afraid I don't remember it quite like I used to. What did it feel like? I have to ask myself. What was it like being a mother?
But when I think about it...when I truly think about it and vividly remember his touch, his baby smells, breastfeeding, his chubby hand that always clung to the rim of my shirts when I held him, and all the daily tasks that made life what it was back then... I shatter inside.
It hurts to remember. But Dan and I are both afraid to forget. One of the treasured gifts we have of Ty is the video montage. We have found ourselves watching it less over the past couple months. The pictures and videos evoke such a strong sense of remembrance that it scares us. Its like a slap in the face, waking us up from our distractions and forcing us to recall what we once had.
The other night, I was watching a show with Carrie and I heard music playing... It was the lullaby that plays in the background to the video. "Oh, no," I said. "Dan's watching the video." I felt dread. I feared for what he was about to feel, and feared for myself because I knew I could not let him watch it alone. Together, along with Jake, Carrie, and Lila, we watched it.
We remembered. We hurt. But most importantly, we felt love.
When Ty first passed away, we were told over and over that we grieved so much because we loved so much. We cannot have one without the other.
So we choose to remember.
Monsieur Le Bubs
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