Monday, August 30, 2010
I was having a hard morning on Sunday. I was battling
anxiety about pregnancy, despite my efforts just to let it be what is. Even
though I have acknowledged that part of my desires to be pregnant is to push
past the pain and "get on with my life", and how that's not necessarily healthy,
it's hard to break my expectations and way of thinking. I just feel like I'm
being left behind and can't shake the sense of urgency. It's so consuming
sometimes! At Dan's suggestion, we met with the Bishop during the second hour of
church.
As soon as he asked how we are doing with our current situation, I had a hard time talking through my tears and emotions. I told him everything that I admitted to myself on Friday: pregnancy desires, questioning God, my faithfulness and shame in my anger... Bishop was able to offer such heart-felt, spirit guided advice, namely stating firmly that Heavenly Father does not count me faithless when I feel anger or grief. He emphasized that numerous times. Dan mentioned the feelings of numbness that has taken over for him, and the difficulty in seeing me go through my own emotions. The bishop felt strongly that we should seek counseling from LDS Family Services. The suggestion felt right to both Dan and me, and neither of us hesitated in accepting his advice.
I really enjoyed meeting with Bishop. It wasn't that he told us anything new, but it felt good to let the bishop know what's going on for me and to feel his whole-hearted, prayerful support. I've never spoken to a bishop like this before because I've always felt like I didn't need to burden him with any of my problems, when there is so much else going on. But I feel differently with this situation, and I'm grateful for Dan's prompting to speak with him.
I love being back in our old ward. There are still so many faces and a few friends that we know, since it was our ward for four years before we moved out last year. Even people I didn't know as well were giving me hugs -- Hugs, of course, that held so much more meaning than "welcome to the ward". I appreciated it all.
I'll let you know how counseling goes. In the meantime, I have put my thermometer away for the rest of this month, in effort to not analyze pregnancy on a daily basis. Of course, we'll keep "trying", but hopefully my mental contribution will lessen! Dan and I have also re-established nightly scripture reading (aren't we always "re-establishing??) and made plans to attend the temple every Tuesday. Truly, even those two combined will make a difference.
As soon as he asked how we are doing with our current situation, I had a hard time talking through my tears and emotions. I told him everything that I admitted to myself on Friday: pregnancy desires, questioning God, my faithfulness and shame in my anger... Bishop was able to offer such heart-felt, spirit guided advice, namely stating firmly that Heavenly Father does not count me faithless when I feel anger or grief. He emphasized that numerous times. Dan mentioned the feelings of numbness that has taken over for him, and the difficulty in seeing me go through my own emotions. The bishop felt strongly that we should seek counseling from LDS Family Services. The suggestion felt right to both Dan and me, and neither of us hesitated in accepting his advice.
I really enjoyed meeting with Bishop. It wasn't that he told us anything new, but it felt good to let the bishop know what's going on for me and to feel his whole-hearted, prayerful support. I've never spoken to a bishop like this before because I've always felt like I didn't need to burden him with any of my problems, when there is so much else going on. But I feel differently with this situation, and I'm grateful for Dan's prompting to speak with him.
I love being back in our old ward. There are still so many faces and a few friends that we know, since it was our ward for four years before we moved out last year. Even people I didn't know as well were giving me hugs -- Hugs, of course, that held so much more meaning than "welcome to the ward". I appreciated it all.
I'll let you know how counseling goes. In the meantime, I have put my thermometer away for the rest of this month, in effort to not analyze pregnancy on a daily basis. Of course, we'll keep "trying", but hopefully my mental contribution will lessen! Dan and I have also re-established nightly scripture reading (aren't we always "re-establishing??) and made plans to attend the temple every Tuesday. Truly, even those two combined will make a difference.
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