Spring Tears

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I had a very short conversation with someone yesterday about the weather... You know how those go: Just something to say while you walk for a few moments in the same direction. It was another cold day, threatening to rain off and on all day. We chatted about how cold it was, while anticipating the warmth that everybody is looking forward to in the next few days. I said, "I can handle a couple days of bad weather, as long as I get a few days of sunshine afterwards." And then I realized how much my mentality about Utah's Spring weather mimics my own attitude towards my personal grieving.
I can't handle feeling sad all the time. I just can't do it, nor do I want to do it. But I do let myself cry every so often. I'll make it a few days at a time where I can go about my day filled with a sense of peace and normalcy. Not that I don't frequently think about Ty, or have small pangs of missing him and wishing he was here throughout the day. I don't know if a day will ever go by when I don't think those things. But I feel OK.

However, gradually the emotions do gather in what I like to think of as my "grief bucket". And eventually it fills to the brim, and I know it's about to spill over, like those buckets at a water-park that tip over and rain on top of screaming children, who anxiously anticipate the fall. And my heart tears to pieces and physically hurts. And I want to curl into a ball and make the whole world go away while I'm immersed in the pain. And I remember why I don't like to tap into these emotions. Because it hurts too much.

But then it's gone. My bucket is empty. And I feel prepared to go about my day as usual - maybe even feeling a little bit better.

It's all part of a process... but like this fluctuating spring weather, I can handle feeling sad - just as long as I know that it will only be a short while, and then I'll still be able to get up and smile, and feel happy, and go about my day knowing the Atonement is working through me once again. And that Ty surely smiles when I'm smiling, and feels relieved and pleased when I remember the Plan of Salvation- and when I rely on the Lord, and family, and friends who have been sent to help me along the way.

Baby Ty, I miss you. I'm so happy I was blessed to be your mother. I will keep working hard so I can be with you again. I love you, little Bubs.