Life One Day at a Time

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

We can see the top of the table again... the vases and flowers that once entirely covered it have slowly withered and been thrown away, the vases washed and stored... I noticed it the other day. At first, it made me sad because it reminded me that life is still going on, despite how sudden my own world had stopped. But then I thought, "that's how life is supposed to be". Just because we hit an obstacle doesn't mean we stay at a standstill. We step over it or walk around it.

I'm actually quite proud of Dan and I. We've worked hard to pick ourselves up (with the strengthening hands offered by Heavenly Father, family, and friends) and have kept moving forward. Dan went to school one week later. His friends have swarmed around him to help him catch up, and support him when he's feeling down at school. His writing professor even told Dan he didn't have to worry about his 20-30 page brief until a month after finals! That takes a huge amount of pressure off Dan. Also, the flexibility of his job has allowed him to take time off until May, when he's completely done with finals.

As for myself, I also went back to work a week after the funeral, and joined a local rugby club that was previously trying to recruit me. I had declined because of Ty. But now... well, nobody believes in the power of recreation more than I do. On Saturday, I participated in my first rugby game in at least a couple years. I guess it's like riding a bike because I jumped back into it without too much reserve. I even scored within the first forty-five seconds of playing! With work and rugby, my time is filled from 2pm-7pm - except I don't work on Monday, and I don't have practice on Fridays.

Sometimes, I feel like if I keep moving fast enough, I can run from the bad memories or sadness that is trailing after me. It's when I'm sitting still that they creep up on me - and then I let out the sobs that have been stored up for a few days. And at times, it still hurts like it was that first agonizing day all over again. But it passes...and the peace returns... and I stand up and keep moving... at least until I step in their snares again. It's an endless cycle that I'm told may plague me the rest of my life. But as long as the Savior's arms around me is part of that cycle, I can do it. Dan and I can keep doing it together.

Dan read a statistic that said 80% of couples who's first born dies of SIDS end up in divorce. We can't ever imagine allowing that to happen. How could anyone endure losing a child and a spouse? Dan and I would feel like we were failing our son, and our future family. We will never let that happen.