Monday, April 19, 2010
I've been struggling the last few days... I have found
myself crying at least a little, if not a torrential amount, on a daily basis.
My "grief bucket" is filling up faster than normal and I don't understand it and
I don't like it. I feel like I'm weakening... and under attack. A heaviness is
building inside me and I'm trying to let it out, but I'm afraid of the
relentless emotions.
Last night, I prayed and was feeling frustrated about one particular thing I have been asking of the Lord. I felt I should pull out my scriptures - the bible in particular. So, half-heartedly, I flipped them open and they fell on John 15. My eyes were drawn to verses 9-14. I could hear Christ's voice in my head as I read the words about love and friendship.
9) As the father has loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.
10) If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love.
11) These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
12) This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
13) Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
14) Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.
While still feeling my disappointment in the lack of answer that I wanted, I could feel a sense of love emanating from the scriptures. I knew in that moment that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were saying, "We're still here. And we love you." While it did not cure me of this "blah" state I've been feeling off and on throughout these past few days, there was still a sense of comfort given to me - to know They are still aware of my pain and needs. I guess that will have to be enough for now.
Last night, I prayed and was feeling frustrated about one particular thing I have been asking of the Lord. I felt I should pull out my scriptures - the bible in particular. So, half-heartedly, I flipped them open and they fell on John 15. My eyes were drawn to verses 9-14. I could hear Christ's voice in my head as I read the words about love and friendship.
9) As the father has loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.
10) If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love.
11) These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full.
12) This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
13) Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
14) Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.
While still feeling my disappointment in the lack of answer that I wanted, I could feel a sense of love emanating from the scriptures. I knew in that moment that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were saying, "We're still here. And we love you." While it did not cure me of this "blah" state I've been feeling off and on throughout these past few days, there was still a sense of comfort given to me - to know They are still aware of my pain and needs. I guess that will have to be enough for now.
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