Friday, March 19, 2010
Dan and I had a good talk last night that has me still
thinking... I was starting to feel a small push of anger yesterday, despite my
belief that its pursuit after me was still underway - that there was still time.
But the widened distance between me and that emotion is diminishing, and it
scares me.
Dan has been feeling more down the last few days, especially
with returning to school. And he's not one to hide how he's feeling. And I found
myself...mad. Just a little bit, but it was there. When Dan confronted me on it,
I think I described it best when I said, "I have a hard time being sad when
you're sad because we've been 'taking shifts'. And when you're having prolonged
sadness, I don't know what to do with my emotions." I think I feel mad because
when he's sad, it reminds me that -despite all the fun distraction I've had with
my family, with my new hair-cut, scalp treatment, pedicure...I'm sad, too. And
I don't want to feel it. If I can suppress it, maybe it's not really there.
Dan wants us to consider counseling. My first thoughts were,
"You need it. Not me." Because I don't want to go there. They'll make me talk
and then I'll have to go down that path of emotions I don't want to go. They'll
make me feel again - feel the anguish that we all ready felt last week and that
I had tucked away behind the peace I felt from God. And I don't think I can take
it.
But as someone who's done therapy with teenagers, I should know
better. I do know better. And I know I will probably go to counseling. Because
despite this "numbness" feeling safe... I think I'm going to crash.
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