Friday, March 12, 2010
Dan and I are overwhelmed by the generosity and love that
has poured into our lives, filling the hole inside of us. Both grief and peace
have been cycling through our days. Sometimes the pain hurts so bad we can't
stand it. And other times, I am filled with such peace that it almost brings on
guilt for feeling so OK in those moments.
Both of our families have flown or driven in to be here with us. We couldn't be more grateful. Jen, Rusty, and their baby Kylana arrived yesterday. I've always felt a connection with baby Lana because she is only two weeks older than Ty, so we all knew they were never very far from each other when leaving Heaven to Earth.
When I held Lana in my arms, I closed my eyes and sobbed. Her little body, with her arms wrapped around my neck, felt SO much like Ty - like a little koala bear clinging to Mama. I embraced her snuggly body against my chest. She was smiling with such innocence, unaware of the emotions she stirred inside me. I laughed through my tears when she sucked on my jaw, my eyes still closed as I imagined the last evening that I breast-fed Ty. I felt, for just a moment, that I was with him again.
When Dan was ready, he also held onto her. I cannot bear to see him cry. It is so hard for me to see someone I love so much in so much pain. But he, too, felt like he was able to hold Ty one more time. That's all we wanted - all we kept saying, "If I can hold him just one more time". What a sweet, special gift Lana could be to us yesterday.
And then I was so happy. My spirit was lifted so high that I was smiling and laughing for hours. It is a gift and memory I will cherish as it continues to carry me through this difficult time.
Both of our families have flown or driven in to be here with us. We couldn't be more grateful. Jen, Rusty, and their baby Kylana arrived yesterday. I've always felt a connection with baby Lana because she is only two weeks older than Ty, so we all knew they were never very far from each other when leaving Heaven to Earth.
When I held Lana in my arms, I closed my eyes and sobbed. Her little body, with her arms wrapped around my neck, felt SO much like Ty - like a little koala bear clinging to Mama. I embraced her snuggly body against my chest. She was smiling with such innocence, unaware of the emotions she stirred inside me. I laughed through my tears when she sucked on my jaw, my eyes still closed as I imagined the last evening that I breast-fed Ty. I felt, for just a moment, that I was with him again.
When Dan was ready, he also held onto her. I cannot bear to see him cry. It is so hard for me to see someone I love so much in so much pain. But he, too, felt like he was able to hold Ty one more time. That's all we wanted - all we kept saying, "If I can hold him just one more time". What a sweet, special gift Lana could be to us yesterday.
And then I was so happy. My spirit was lifted so high that I was smiling and laughing for hours. It is a gift and memory I will cherish as it continues to carry me through this difficult time.
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